October 22, 2020 § Leave a comment
A dear friend came home today. Her boyfriend had tested positive for Covid some weeks back. She herself had had a fever but that was not not Corona. And then when she came home she said her father, who stays downstairs from her, had a cold and fever. On the whole a visit that got my anxiety into high gear. I’d already spent half the morning making no progress on a story that I need to finish tomorrow. I was freaking out inside. Made a bit of progress on the story in the second half which helped me calm down a bit.
My heart’s become more sensitive to sugar after the last nearly three years I spent with little exercise while I took a drug for anxiety and depression that would put me in a mild stupor. Ate a piece of cake and three small cookies and had tea with sugar on an empty stomach late evening and my heart went harder for a while.
Five weeks tomorrow since I stopped the drug and I’m now trying to exercise a bit. Started doing some high knees in the mornings sometime back. They seem to help. Been doing a few push ups too.
#anxiety #depression #exercise
October 21, 2020 § Leave a comment
Watched a really one sided cricket match. Thankfully got over soon. Completely forgot the small morning dose of clonazepam. Bit stressed about a story that I need to finish by Friday, but really about the new daily section for which I haven’t been able to contribute even one story so far in over two weeks. But grateful that I’m actually able to work a bit now. Wouldn’t have believed it possible just last week.
October 20, 2020 § Leave a comment
I was able to work today. Filed a copy but the editor didn’t like it enough to publish it. No problem.
The day started with the usual panic attack but I could clearly make out that the reason was the much weaker work pressure and no longer the debilitating disconnect with my wife. That part is being mended while there is a long way to go.
October 19, 2020 § Leave a comment
A small breakthrough happened today, but a significant one. Our effort to keep talking — almost entirely at my wife’s initiative — yielded this insight that my disconnect with my wife and continual folding into myself every time she got upset with me, was the single biggest cause of my panic attacks.
This morning I somehow bumbled through the process of vocalising the thoughts that I still loved her very much and the idea of losing her was a huge fear. And in a manner so characteristic of her, she said bluntly that what I did about that was entirely up to me. However, I came away with the feeling that somehow, we were a bit more okay together than before.
And the moment I realised that, I physically felt much of my anxiety and panic just drain away. Through the rest of the day I got to a point when I almost felt normal. Was even able to work today and listen to music and actually enjoy it, while cooking in the evening.
One important aspect of this morning’s insight is that I’m now convinced much of it has to do with a lot of repressed anger towards my mother, which I thought I’d gotten over but clearly hadn’t. In fact it looks like I’m barely beginning to understand the power that that anger wields over me.
I also felt for the first time since giving up a medication for anxiety and depression a month back, that I don’t need to go back on it.