Depressing match

October 21, 2020 § Leave a comment

Watched a really one sided cricket match. Thankfully got over soon. Completely forgot the small morning dose of clonazepam. Bit stressed about a story that I need to finish by Friday, but really about the new daily section for which I haven’t been able to contribute even one story so far in over two weeks. But grateful that I’m actually able to work a bit now. Wouldn’t have believed it possible just last week.

#anxiety #work

No story no cry

October 20, 2020 § Leave a comment

I was able to work today. Filed a copy but the editor didn’t like it enough to publish it. No problem.

The day started with the usual panic attack but I could clearly make out that the reason was the much weaker work pressure and no longer the debilitating disconnect with my wife. That part is being mended while there is a long way to go.

#anxiety #depression

A small breakthrough

October 19, 2020 § Leave a comment

A small breakthrough happened today, but a significant one. Our effort to keep talking — almost entirely at my wife’s initiative — yielded this insight that my disconnect with my wife and continual folding into myself every time she got upset with me, was the single biggest cause of my panic attacks.

This morning I somehow bumbled through the process of vocalising the thoughts that I still loved her very much and the idea of losing her was a huge fear. And in a manner so characteristic of her, she said bluntly that what I did about that was entirely up to me. However, I came away with the feeling that somehow, we were a bit more okay together than before.

And the moment I realised that, I physically felt much of my anxiety and panic just drain away. Through the rest of the day I got to a point when I almost felt normal. Was even able to work today and listen to music and actually enjoy it, while cooking in the evening.

One important aspect of this morning’s insight is that I’m now convinced much of it has to do with a lot of repressed anger towards my mother, which I thought I’d gotten over but clearly hadn’t. In fact it looks like I’m barely beginning to understand the power that that anger wields over me.

I also felt for the first time since giving up a medication for anxiety and depression a month back, that I don’t need to go back on it.

#anxiety #depression

Beholder’s eye

October 18, 2020 § Leave a comment

‘You don’t say anything’ my wife said, and she meant I don’t say anything through out the day. Then she shook her head and said something to herself about my obsession with my (mental) illness.

When our son was a baby, just months old, my wife and he had to be with my parents for a while. In another city. I was here with a very demanding job.

My parents were convinced, I’ve no idea why, their baby grandson was not getting enough milk although my wife was lactating perfectly well. They made her take homeopathy pills so she would make more milk. Then my overzealous mother wanted to feed the two month old baby a millet gruel. My wife’s cousin, a paediatrician, warned against it as clearly the baby wouldn’t have been able to digest it. My mother also constantly fretted over why the baby wasn’t sleeping for long hours at a time and basically made my wife quite distraught.

I was oblivious to all this as somehow my wife and I never got to talk about it at the time. This was one of many times when I wasn’t there to help my wife. Incidents like this pushed her into the kind of depression that women get after child birth, but she bravely managed on her own, especially as she came back to live with me and I was still in my high pressure job.

She says she didn’t have the luxury of being depressed. Truth be told, I was too ignorant to even notice that she might be hurting and I certainly didn’t know anything about depression.

Today she sees me as wallowing in myself because it’s been three years nearly since I started having anxiety attacks and depression and I haven’t gotten any better.

I thought I was and a month ago gave up a medication which has left me trying to cope with debilitating anxiety on my own.

#anxiety #depression #relationships

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