Small drops of nectar

September 13, 2020 § Leave a comment

Small drops of nectar in a large bowl of milk will still be nectar, just as small drops of poison will still be poison, my therapist said today. She was encouraging me to not ignore either and especially to not make too much of the poison nor think the small drops of nectar insignificant.

I was talking about the really small ways in which I was dealing with my terror of work and the day ahead when I wake up in the morning. Like if I’m intimidated by a 2000-word copy that I have to submit by a certain deadline, I now get myself to focus entirely on just writing one sentence and not think of anything else. Then I focus on just one paragraph and not worry about the 2000 words. Somewhere along this process, I always find the concentration to fire off some 400-500 words and also get the structure of the story in place. And then the rest becomes easier.

This constitutes a small personal victory or a drop of nectar that my therapist is asking me to not ignore or think is insignificant. Similarly, if I dose off for an afternoon, I shouldn’t see that as a big failure, she says.

I’ve been recently following ‘The Holistic Psychologist’, Dr. Nicole LePera who said something, which I feel is related to especially the idea of looking at not being able to do something as a failure or a setback. We shouldn’t do that, she says.

“There is no such thing as ‘going backwards’ or ‘falling off track’ on a healing journey” — Nicole LePera

It’s day nine since I stopped my evening dose of Trinicalm Plus (trifluoperazine and some other stuff), which I take for my anxiety and depression. Till about 2:30 p.m. in the afternoon, the withdrawal symptoms — a general increase in the sense of anxiety — added to the anxiety over not having made any progress with a 1000-word piece I need to finish in a couple of days.

Then the sheer terror of not having made any progress got me to sit down and open up my laptop and at first all I did was start to process short paragraphs from a press release that I was going to use in the story.  But I found 30 minutes of hyper-concentration in which I managed to write up a good lede for the story, and also organise a good structure for the entire thing. Now the rest, I’ll be able to easily finish tomorrow.

This is what I’d mentioned to my therapist — the 30 minutes of clarity and good work, which she called a drop of nectar that I shouldn’t underestimate.

#anxiety #depression #taperingoff #procrastination

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