5 a.m.

September 10, 2020 § Leave a comment

Got up at 5 a.m. today, with none of the dread that I normally get out of bed with at 8:45 a.m. Instead had a plan in my head to make progress on my story. I worked well from 5:30 a.m. to 7 a.m. when I only stopped to go to the loo. After that, did 30 squats, 30 calf raises, 10 dumbbell flies for the shoulders, 15 tricep kickbacks and 15 bicep curls, all with my 5kg dumbbells. The whole thing must have taken 5 minutes. Just enough motivation to do one set of each exercise. Still, second day in a row, so celebrated with a nice large mug of coffee.

How did I manage to get out of bed early and why didn’t I have that feeling of dread that I always have, and will I be able to do the same tomorrow? Questions in that order. One reason could be that tensions with the wife were down quite a bit yesterday. At night she even rubbed my back — for just a few moments — and said good night, just as I was contemplating myself if I should be saying good night. Today has been good too.

Yes, communication between the two of us  was so bad that normally we didn’t even say good night to one another. We’d just roll on to the bed, turn to our sides and just try to go  to sleep. So getting a gentle pat-pat-pat on the back and a ‘good night’ was a great stride forward. Don’t really know how that happened either. But we’re far from being out of the woods.

And why did the usual feeling of dread not present itself when I woke up? A bit of a mystery.

As to making progress on the story, I’ll have to wait and see. All I managed, in the end, was to send out two mails asking for people to make time to do interviews with me. One of them got back to me, but I still don’t have an interview slot. The other hasn’t responded at all.

It’s day six since I stopped the evening dose of Trinicalm Plus (Trifluoperazine and some other stuff). Another week to go before I stop the morning dose as well, although I’m quite tempted to hasten the tapering off process. The dosage is small but I’ve been on it for over two and a half years now, so getting off of this drug successfully will be a big personal victory. I’m also on Clonazepam, and again, a low dosage. One at a time.

#anxiety #depression #couples #relationships

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