A tough day

September 8, 2020 § Leave a comment

It was a very tough day. A fight from yesterday night spilled over to this morning. My wife was in tears and asking me to go away for two weeks and stay with my parents. She needs space away from me. My parents live in a town three hours away by car and it’s easier for me to go. Her mum lives nine hours and across a state border away.

I’m in no position to go because my boss is expecting me to do more from Bangalore. So we had a really bad morning. By evening, we’d calmed down. She did her yoga class and I did my walking and jogging. Sometime in the afternoon she’d done 50 squats as well. We ate dinner together in silence.

The thought of being asked to go away on my own depressed me. Thinking about being separated from her and our son put me in a bad funk. Being pushed to go away, it’s brought up some premordial emotion that’s hurting real bad, but I can’t seem to get it out of my system. It’s like the very air I breathe has rejected me and my soul is on a slow painful burn.

My wife says my blogging about how I feel is just another aspect of me being wrapped up in myself, still stuck in my own funk and wallowing in it after three years. I’ve paid scant attention to what that has done to her — living with the anxious, depressed me (In the initial days I would just curl up wherever or sit with my head drooping in a stupor).  I’m unable to. It takes everything I’ve got to somehow just get through the work day.

Being functional at a basic level is all I can manage — including doing my work, doing my share of cooking and some cleaning and helping our son a bit with some of his school work. Other than this, I just sit with my eyes closed, or doze off to escape the anxiety and depression. I also read a bit on the Kindle as there is still some interest in books. And I write this blog.

The rest of the time, I’m silent and don’t have anything interesting to say to my wife. I often miss things, which infuriates her — like not taking out the kitchen garbage sooner (It stinks beyond two days). And I’m unresponsive when she talks to me, she says. I can’t read the news beyond the bear minimum needed to do my work and even there, I’m often uninformed these days. So I have little to share with my wife. The net result is she doesn’t have anyone to talk to even.

And when I get into a funk like today, it takes me a long time to get over it and reclaim what progress I’d made.

It’s day four of having stopped Trinicalm Plus (Trifluoroperazine and some other stuff) in the evening. I’m still on the morning dose, apart from the Clonazepam morning and evening. I’m partially taking my therapist’s advice that when things are so tough, I shouldn’t make things tougher by trying to get off the meds as well. I feel I don’t need the Trifluoroperazine, so I’m getting off of it. Will stay on Clonazepam for a while longer before trying to taper that off as well. Maybe until the Covid situation eases.

#anxiety #depression #toughday

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