September 3, 2020 § Leave a comment
The copy I finished last week and filed on Monday will probably become our next cover story. From a productivity perspective, it was a victory that I turned in a cover story after a fairly long time. I was helped because the company was also eager to talk about how they had done well in recent times. On the other hand, I’m anxious about mistakes that might have escaped me and sneaked into the copy.
The story was in production today and I had only a couple of very small clarifications to make when the desk editors asked me those questions. I also managed to complete another small interview for the next issue and surprised myself by finishing the 500-word copy this afternoon itself. Descript helped, with a reasonably good transcript.
My wife didn’t seem inclined to continue yesterday’s fight. That helped me keep my anxiety down along with it being another day when I was ahead of any deadlines. She thinks we should go in for couples therapy. I’m not ready. We’ve fought so many times and every time she’s always pointed out all the times in the past 20 years that I wasn’t there for her.
That I was stuck deeply in my own trauma and was ignorant and didn’t even realise what she was going through doesn’t seem to make any difference. So I don’t want to go to couples therapy on the premise that I’m the one who needs to change and I certainly don’t want to come away with the idea that the rest of our lives together has to be about me making it up to her.
Me, talking alone to my own therapist is all that I’m capable of for now.
Besides, I’m convinced that there isn’t much about me that she even likes any more. Forget about love. The other day, I was whistling something and she said ‘can you please stop that whistling.’ Thing is I’m pretty good at whistling and every one else who’s heard me has liked it as well.
Anyway, that’s probably a trivial example.
Truth is I’ve made many mistakes, including wasting a lot of our money. If I’d been less impulsive and smarter with the money, we would have had a larger amount of money saved. I don’t know if the impulsiveness came from depression that I didn’t know I had but the results were the same.
#anxiety #depression #couplestherapy