Dark worries

September 1, 2020 § Leave a comment

There is now talk of reopening colleges in Karnataka, and perhaps schools will follow suit? This really pushes me towards my depression. Cases of the corona virus infections are only increasing in Bangalore — in the thousands every day. How does it make sense to open colleges and schools?

My deep worry, which really pushes me to a dark place is that once schools reopen, we’ll be forced to send our son for fear that he will otherwise not be allowed to move to the next grade, next year. So I worry he’ll get the infection in school and so we will too and one or all of us will die. Our son will only be 12 later this year, my wife has asthma and I don’t know what condition my heart is in because of the anxiety and depression drugs I’ve been taking for over two-and-a-half years now.

This was one of the reasons I’ve been thinking about and trying to get off the drugs, because every time I try to get off Clonazepam, for instance, I get heart palpitations and skipped heart beats.

The regular walking over the last six months has certainly made my heart a tad stronger, I feel, but these are all my thoughts. My best friend, whom we visit every Saturday, is a great believer in trusting one’s body. I’m a great believer in listening to one’s body. And my body is telling me that walking is great and it would be even better if I could add something — even a little bit — that is more intense.

That’s why I’ve been trying to add pushups and squats and lifting weights in the mornings. An old muscle-tear injury from college has made my right shoulder permanently weaker and it hurts when I do pushups, for example. I’ve found replacing the pushups with dumb bell presses, which is a slower alternative but effective over the long term. And these are all about the long-term, if anything. These are about years of practice, so I’m optimistic.

It’s just that, the news of the colleges reopening, and probably the schools too, has made me feel like a person whose days are numbered. I find it really makes me very depressed and I’m finding it really hard to not think about. I keep praying that the governments have the good sense to keep the schools closed this academic year and only let the online classes go ahead.

#anxiety #depression

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