Self care

September 30, 2020 § Leave a comment

My therapist wants me to think of self-care practices that I can rely on to cope with my fears. She wants me to come up with strategies to take care of myself on a daily basis, and then practice them for 21 days so they become a habit. They become even more important now that I’m off the medication I was taking for my anxiety and depression.

Trying to find ways to keep my work under control is one of those. Because the biggest reason I was taking Trinicalm Plus (Trifluoperazine and some other stuff) was that I needed to be functional enough to be able to work. So I wouldn’t lose my job. I’m incredibly lucky that I managed to do some work every week the whole of last financial year to find myself just within the bell curve into which employees are fitted for their appraisals.

This year I’m trying to not simply work harder but work smarter. So finding ways of getting my work under control is my first important strategy for self care.

#anxiety #depression #selfcare

Anxiety hack — control only one thing first

September 29, 2020 § Leave a comment

When the anxiety peaks, everything crowds in on me, like it happened this morning. It’s day 11 since I  stopped taking Trinicalm Plus (Trifluoperazine and some other stuff) for anxiety and depression. Without the drug putting me in a gentle stupor, my head is much clearer now and I’m a lot more aware of what’s happening to me.

The flip side is that I’ve to manage the anxiety on my own, without the chemical to help. And it’s worth it for both the clarity of the mind I’m slowly reclaiming and the long-term harmful effect of the drug on my body that I’m avoiding. Of course I’m very aware that once you take a psychotropic drug like this for nearly three years that I did, a part of you is always craving to get back on it.

More of the flip side is that the once-again clearer mind feels the anxiety a lot more keenly when it hits. This can be paralysing and physically painful as muscles of the back or the chest knot up or feel sharp jabs, and the fear plays in the pit of the stomach.

Walking in the evening today, I had this thought that if I could focus my mind on one thing that I can control, and keep it there, it might help. And one of the biggest sources of anxiety is my work, where I have to continuously come up with new story ideas of worth and deliver on them against deadlines.

So I’m trying to think of what I can do to ensure that my work is under control. The basic point of course is that I have to do the work, and that means pushing through the anxiety and the fear, to actually sit down and work. I got lucky last week, when the withdrawal symptoms were very bad, that there was a bit of a lull at work. No immediate deadlines. This week I failed to deliver a feature because I emailed questions, and a bit late, as the anxiety was too much for me to handle phone interviews.

I’ve to come up with weekly and daily plans — write them down in great detail and put them in time tables, or they won’t work — and somehow find the will to actually get the work done. One day at a time.

#anxiety #depression #work


Tapering off — Day 10 milestone

September 28, 2020 § Leave a comment

Dozed off in the afternoon and forgot to send an email with questions for an email interview. Sent it just now. It’s day 10 since I stopped Trinicalm Plus (Trifluoperazine and some other stuff) that I’d been taking for anxiety and depression, and the craving to get back on it is still there. Each day has been incrementally better after day four though.

Day 10 is a bit of a milestone for me, all said and done. Was super tough getting here, but I’m here.

#anxiety #depression #taperingoff

Tapering off — still on it

September 27, 2020 § Leave a comment

It’s day nine since I stopped taking Trinicalm Plus (Trifluoperazine and some other stuff) for my anxiety and depression. Don’t know how I got this far but I have.

With my system still adjusting to the absence of the drug, yesterday night at our friends’ place, some slightly spicy dinner set off my heart beating faster for a bit. Added to the craving to go back on the drug.

Had a long discussion with my therapist today about the tapering off effort, which helped. Made me comfortable with the idea that I can go back on the medication if I really need to. That actually helps with staying off it.

The week ahead will be a great test of how well I can hold up. Because I’ll have to work and produce decent enough stories.

#anxiety #depression #taperingoff

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