Procrastination and self-sabotage

August 11, 2020 § Leave a comment

It’s been four days since I completely went off Trinicalm Plus (Trifluoperazine and some other stuff) and this time I might succeed in sticking with it. The last time I gave up the second day and went back on it (the morning dose) for three or four days until I stopped again this past Saturday. Getting off of the evening dose was easier, and I didn’t feel much of any withdrawal symptoms as I was still taking the morning dose. Getting completely off of it, by stopping the morning dose also is proving to be tougher. If I get through this week without it, I should be okay enough at least to continue not taking it.

In the mean time, I spend the day alternating between working and sitting up in bed and leaning back against a bunch of pillows, eyes closed, and breathing — trying to quell my anxiety that I’ll lose my job, for instance. I can only work in small bursts and the work day is punctuated by mid-morning tea and other rituals. When things become too bad, I sit on the bed with my eyes closed and breath. Some times I nod off.

I also just put my head on the work table and close my eyes and breath. It is the fear of failure that creates this condition in which I’m too anxious to work. I remember back in 1998-99 when I was working on my MSc finals, just opening my text book would make me so drowsy that I’d put my head on the table and close my eyes.

I’m burnt out, as I’ve said before, but there is no other option but for me to keep working. I’ve become increasingly successful at breaking the work down to one-day-at-a-time and focussing strictly on just what I’ve planned for that day. Today for instance, I’d planned on sending out a set of questions to four or five IT companies and I somehow managed it. I put together the questions and mailed them.

From tomorrow I have four days to transcribe two interviews and come up with a feature of about 2000 words. I hate transcribing and I’ve already procrastinated enough on this. If I don’t get enough done tomorrow, the pressure will mount significantly. If on the other hand, I get enough done tomorrow and day after, then I get a breather.

I read in a piece in psychology today, I think, that my wife had forwarded to me, that procrastination is one form of self-sabotage. Anyway here is some advice on how NOT TO self-sabotage:

Today’s big event, however, was that we bought the Nintendo Switch. It was available on a lightning deal on Amazon for about 40k. That was a good chunk of some bonus money I’d got from the company last month as part of my variable pay, but my son hugged me three ties. Now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the gadget will arrive in good shape and that it will work fine.

#anxiety #procrastination #self-sabotage

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