A better day

August 5, 2020 § Leave a comment

We talked. We even made love two days later, today. The crisis that had so weighed me down hasn’t exactly been averted, but it has been pushed back significantly. It can come back any time I give in to the combined effect of the medicines and my health anxiety and related depression, and fold into myself and doze on that sofa chair again.

I haven’t given up on the tapering off of the meds either. If I have to do it by taking two steps forward and one back or even three sometimes, so be it. For now, I’m still on only half the level of Trinicalm Plus (trifluoperazine) that I was dosing myself with (on my GP’s advice) a month ago. Last week I almost succeeded in stopping it fully, but it didn’t work. I’ll be trying that again in a week’s time, once I get to Kerala.

Once I’m completely off Trinicalm, I can start on Rivotril (Clonazepam), which also I take twice daily on the advice of my doctor. But I’m convinced that the longer I take these drugs the greater will be the price they extract for calming me by deadening my senses and making me dull. Would hate to go through life like that any longer, missing the small things and the big things that will happen along the way as my boy grows up, for example.

I find that my interest is coming back in wanting to be with people, starting with my wife and son, talking to them, listening to them and participating in the small things we do everyday. ‘Your face is brighter, now’ my wife said to me today, or was it yesterday. Interestingly, I’ve lost interest in most movies and TV shows, quite outside of my mental ailments. I need books.

I feel that I’ve also become a more real person to myself. Three years ago, before all this, I used to be constantly assailed by the need to figure out what my sense of purpose was, and if needed to raise the bar and so on. One of the consequences of that was that I must have changed some 15 jobs at least. All that is gone now, and I’m very content to just be, and explore my interests and see where they take me. Must write more about this in a separate post.

In the mean time, I’m becoming a bit obsessed with putting up videos of me whistling various songs on Facebook and Instagram. Haven’t done Youtube yet, though. Put up one more today, from among my Kannada favourites — the first one I’ve done in my mother tongue. I look quite ghastly, though, with my stubble and all, but I’m not vain and the whistling isn’t bad actually. I can hold a tune and so on.

The sound is a bit feeble, so I must work on figuring out a better microphone. Once I tried wearing earphones and holding the microphone that comes with the set close to my mouth. It worked, making the whistling loud enough, but also picked up sounds like me inhaling and so on. Not an ideal solution.

#anxiety #anxietyanddepression #depression #taperingoff #trifluoperazine #clonazepam


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