Skipped beats

April 28, 2020 § Leave a comment

The lockdown continues in India. Expected to end on May 3, but there are reports it may be extended, as cases are still rising.

My heart’s been skipping beats every minute for the last three days. I’m scared, but don’t know what to do during the lockdown. It started after we ordered chinese food three days back and one of the sauces was loaded with MSG I think. That must have triggered the skipped beats, but because I have severe anxiety, it’s not stopping now.

Over two years ago, after my first massive anxiety attack, I had my heart checked out and doctors had given me a clean bill of health — heart in good shape, no blocks etc. I’m still able to keep up my running, so that’s another affirmative factor. For some time I tried to run in our living room, but today I went back to the basement of our apartment building. The basement at least gives me a clear stretch of 35 metres one way.

The skipped beats have lasted almost every waking hour during the last three days. And my anxiety medications are running out and the lockdown means getting more isn’t easy. It will get worse if the lockdown is extended. Still I must be grateful to be in the socioeconomic strata in which people have luxuries like getting Chinese takeaway delivered and blogging on WordPress.

We even had mangoes delivered today. And we fought.

Our 11-year old son told me I couldn’t touch his phone charger without asking him, and that whether he was using it at a given moment wasn’t relevant. I said stuff back and went to the basement to run. Came back to have my wife tell me how wrong I was. It even led to her recalling what a coward I was once when my sister’s son almost strangled our son and I never said anything to my sister about it. My sister hasn’t ever apologised for what happened either. Yes the lockdown is great for bitter fights. And the terror of skipped heartbeats.

#lockdown #coronavirus #anxiety #depression



April 8, 2020 § Leave a comment

It’s been about two weeks into the lockdown in India because of the Coronavirus pandemic. And we’re fighting like crazy.
Each time brings new levels of guilt, miserable-ness, anger and dejection. And questions about where we’re headed. Didn’t imagine after 20 years we’d still fight like this or even be able to. We have a small flat and every fight is invariably in front of our young son.
We are terrible parents.
Knowing that they are hosing down migrant workers with disinfectant in North India, while we still get to buy chocolate, doesn’t help.

#lockdown #coronavirus #anxiety #depression


Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for April, 2020 at Life, while I wait.

%d bloggers like this: