Anxiety — 4

November 30, 2019 § Leave a comment

‘I don’t need your help. Those are your issues, you deal with them.’ she said. She has a dinner to go to at an out-of-the-way place from where later on in the night she won’t get a cab or an autorickshaw back. That is my fear anyway and that’s what the reference to ‘your issues’ is about. That I want to control the situation by organising a cab from someone we know and whose cab service we trust and use regularly. That I want to control the situation because of my anxieties and fears and not really out of any caring for her.

Probably sounded like a movie dialogue when I told her she didn’t have to do it for me but for our son — ensuring her own safety I mean — but ‘don’t give me that son business, what were you doing last year’ was the response. Last year I was in a deep funk, depressed, fueled by a terrible health anxiety and lots of other old demons.

On the way back from Frozen 2, we’d stopped at a bakery where she’d wanted to pick up some cake. I was trying to turn the car around and the right side rear wheel went into a ditch I’d missed. I told her I’ll have to figure out how to get it out, and she disappeared into the next shop to check out some make up.

She’d assumed I wouldn’t want her standing there and watching me sweat it. I’d been thinking she would stay and try to help or at least stay as moral support. Somewhere along the way the cake, in a box, and a packet of cutlets had landed in my hands and I angrily chucked em on to the back seats. The cake got crushed. We had a fight.

The wheel got extricated easily enough, but now she’ll go on her own and I’ll worry until she’s back safe. She drank the tea I made, though. Didn’t mean anything.

#Anxiety #Depression

Norwegian Wood — Book

November 29, 2019 § Leave a comment

Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami had been on my to-read list for a long time. Finally got to read it and finished it a couple of days back. Made me get back in touch with a couple of friends that I really care about, but had not been in touch with for some time, except for seeing their occasional insta or fb posts — that seems to be all we do these days, instead of making time to physically go see and touch and feel our friends. Hoping to go see these two friends in person soon too.

Many would have seen the book as a love story and that’s fine of course. For me the little insights into the Japanese society of the late 60s and 1970 were also very interesting. For example, I was a teenager at a time in India when, in general, sex before marriage was taboo in most middle class families. In stark contrast to young Toru Watanabe’s world in which young people do it all the time with anyone they like. I of course later had girlfriends who had been sexually active in their teens well before they met me, which made things pretty interesting for me.

Today, the one thing I took away from the book was Murakami’s ability to weave death into and as part of life and not just something final that will one day happen to everyone. And what that does to the living and how they deal with it as they go on living. I also didn’t know about the Beatles song Norwegian Wood, which is among Naoko’s favourites in the story — and so the name of the book — so I went and listened to that and a bunch of other Beatles songs as well.

#NorwegianWood #fiction #reading

Athiran — Movie

November 17, 2019 § Leave a comment

We were searching for Charlie and stumbled upon AthiranĀ on one of our streaming subscriptions — Hotstar, probably. I’d recommend it. Fahad Faasil plays an intrepid psychiatrist at a remote hospital for the mentally ill, determined to help an inmate incarcerated there but not on the hospital’s records. Sai Pallavi plays the autistic inmate whose past involves four killings. Like all good thrillers, the plot reveals a twist in the end. Watch the movie to find out.

#Cinema #Athiran

History of Wolves — Book

November 17, 2019 § Leave a comment

Can’t say it’s a great book for someone with depression to read, but I stuck it out and finished History of Wolves by Emily Fridlund. Fourteen year old Linda gets involved with a couple as a sort of baby sitter for their four-year-old son and bears witness to an incident that will leave an indelible mark on her. The story also is about Linda’s struggle to deal with her own loneliness, accentuated by her environment. At school, she is shunned by classmates as a freak, owing to her parents’ failed attempt at building a commune. And partly as a result of that failed attempt, her lonely home — every one else who attempted the commune with her parents has left — is a house by a set of interconnected lakes and the surrounding woods.

No wolves in the story except a stuffed one, and as part of Linda’s general interest in life sciences. This is Fridlund’s first novel and was shortlisted for the Booker prize in 2017. I read it on my Kindle.

#Historyofwolves #reading #fiction #books

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